Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Out of the Shadows

Well, once again it has been some time since my last posting. Even so, I have not lost my commitment to my wife or to my life with her. Much to my shame, however, I am having to come to terms with a long list of inconsistencies and indiscretions on my part with respect to that relationship. My wife has had to endure what has been virtually a one-sided string of compromises from me while faithfully holding her lines and loving me in return. It is my goal and intention to diligently seek what she refers to as "the self-examined life", a term I believe coined by her which simply put means "clean up your own garbage."

That is actually quite an oversimplification. The self-examined life is one where the individual self-monitors their thoughts, attitudes and actions, straining them through a filter of tight personal ethics to catch any inconsistencies. Even with a set of ethics that are not nearly as tight as my wife's, I am finding inconsistencies/violations at every turn. My life has gone from one in which I faithfully cared for and loved my wife to one where I attend only to my own needs and wants. Perhaps even worse, it has gone from a life where I was a self-respecting adult man, responsible for my actions to one in which I avoid personal responsibility while expecting my wife to take up any slack that is left. In short, I have become a pig...consuming all I can while expecting someone else to both feed my appetites and be responsible in my place. That someone else has been my wife.

But it gets even worse. It would have been bad enough just to have turned into a pig. I have taken it further and decided that if my wife did not indulge me in my "feeding" and if she did not shoulder the responsibilities that I did not care for, SHE was in violation and deserving of punishment. She has suffered abuse from me in retaliation for countering my indiscretions and for simply standing for what was right and calling me to hold to my own ethics. Increasingly she has had to compromise the intensity of her own personal work because of my pulling her attention away to deal with my abuses. This has also caused deep doubts in her regarding her ability to continue academic persuits in which she has engaged with considerable personal investment. I am deeply ashamed of what I have become and even more of what I have been doing to her. She has deserved none of the abuse and has been faithful throughout both to me and to the God we both claim to serve.

As a result of the situation in which I now find myself, it is my intention to begin a new blog which records both my confessions of wrong-doing and my efforts to correct those violations. My next posting will contain the link to that new blog. Until then, I extend my deepest apologies to my loving wife and to those others who have suffered because of me in recent days.


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